Suicidal Hamsters or Opportunist Cat?

Not so long ago in a distant household there was a cat called Alice. Alice was thirteen years old and very much a morbid cat. She didn’t like to play and as far as anyone could remember she just wasn’t a playful cat. But like the rest of her feline community Good Old Alice loved to kill.

After spending a night outside to her own devices her owners would find an headless shrew or half eaten bird at the door step as  a present.

After nine years of being the one and only dominant pet her owners decided to get a pet hamster for their youngest son. The boy called his new found joy Casper. Alice was puzzled and slightly intrigued by the new arrival in its white cage. She would sit for hours looking at the cage.

“I will have you,” Alice said to Casper. 

Casper ignored her and carried on spinning  in his hamster wheel.

Then several months later Casper decided to escape from his cage. After looking fruitlessly and giving Alice an hard time the owners  eventually found Casper at the back of the kitchen sink. 

A week later the exact same thing happened again.

“Don’t push your luck,” Alice said to Casper. “Only cats have nine lives.”

Casper didn’t pay her any attention and continued to spin his hamster wheel once more.

Two weeks later Alice’s owners and children were invited to a wedding far away. The owners asked a friend to look after Alice and Casper whilst they were away. On the return visit the owners got a text message saying that Casper’s cage door was open and they had only just noticed it. Three days the owners had been away.

They returned home and indeed they found no trace of Casper. The owners checked behind the kitchen sink. He wasn’t there. Alice was questioned but she wasn’t a playful cat. She didn’t have time for her owners questions or suspicions.

The very next day as Casper’s owner was getting ready for school he went to retrieve his shoes from underneath the kitchen table.

The young boy’s heart broke. He wept. Lying curled up in a ball with his grey furry coat matted with blood was Casper.

“I told him hamsters don’t have nine lives,” Alice meowed as she wanted to be let outside.

That night Casper was put in a shoebox and buried in the back garden.

“We’ll buy you a better cage and two hamsters this time,” the young boy’s parents promised him.

This they did.

The young boy and his older brother named these roborovski hamsters Flash and Franklin.

“You’ve bought more!” Alice chuckled. “How many life’s have you got then?” She asked the new pets.

Flash and Franklin scuttled away into their plastic house filled with saw dust. 

(A result of Caspers death the door to the living room always remains closed for hamster reasons).

Two weeks later…….

The male owner awakes and still blurry eyed brushes his teeth. He then toddles down stairs to the kitchen and let’s in a meowing Alice. He feeds the cat and then goes into the living room to check his phone. 

Whilst he’s away with the fairies the female owner comes into the living room and suddenly starts telling her husband to look at Alice. He does this in very slow motion. His brain can’t tally with what his eyes are showing him.

Alice has Flash in her mouth. The male owner looks at the hamster cage. Then he looks at Alice. Then back at the hamster cage. 

How the hell have they escaped?! He asks.

Then he sees the hamster wheel is missing from the side.A three inche escape tunnel has been made. Finally  coming to his senses the male owner tells Alice to drop Flash. She reluctantly does so and scampers out of the room. Flash darts out of sight. Both Flash and Franklin are at large and after three hours only Flash is recaptured. 

All go to bed with Franklin at large. All go to bed with the living room window open. The living room door is closed and Alice is let outside for the night.

The next morning the owners are woke by their eldest child.

“Flash has escaped again. The wheel’s  come off the cage. But I think I found a lung.”

“A lung?” the male owner said. “What kind of lung?”

“A small one. I think it’s an hamster lung.”

The owners rush down stairs and look down upon what appears to be a lung. The living room is searched and searched but no bodies of Flash or Franklin can be found.

Alice is calm and calculated about the whole thing. 

“The household far away is only big enough for one pet,” she meows proudly. But then she jolts in her stride at the male owners announcement.

“Don’t worry kids. It won’t be long before we get that pet dog you’ve been wanting.”


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